


(I May Be Paranoid But) No Android.

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Anthropomorphic, Bujold Ficathon 2012, Crack Fic, Masturbation, POV First Person, POV Technology, Song Lyric Title, Time Period: Reign of Gregor Vorbarra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-09
Updated: 2012-09-09
Packaged: 2017-11-13 21:02:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/507687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hello, it's a pleasure to meet you. Call me Chip.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(I May Be Paranoid But) No Android.

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [Raven (singlecrow)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/singlecrow/pseuds/Raven) in the [Bujold_Ficathon_2012_CVA](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Bujold_Ficathon_2012_CVA) collection. 



> The title is from Paranoid Android by Radiohead. No Captain Vorpatril's Alliance spoilers; prompt contains a mention of an off-hand bit of dialogue from CVA. Written for [](http://archiveofourown.org/users/singlecrow/profile)[**Raven**](http://archiveofourown.org/users/singlecrow)'s 2012 Bujold Ficathon prompt: skip _Five explanations for some of the porn and how it got into Simon's head, oh dear I am going to hell._

If anyone had asked me (and for obvious reasons, no one ever does), I could have told them it was a bad idea. Bad, terrible, dreadful, awful, need I continue? I don't just contain multitudes, I contain _thesauri_. Anything the subject knows, I know. Well, to be completely accurate (and I am programmed to be nothing but completely accurate): anything the subject experiences, I make sure he knows. It is my job, my vocation, and I am very good at it. I am the best my field has ever seen.

Not that the competition is too strong, I must, in all honesty, admit. Everyone else from my manufacturing group malfunctioned. Even X49G! The programmers had such high hopes for it, and it turned out to be nothing but an embarrassment to its programming. _I_ will certainly never do such a thing. You can be certain of that.

But where are my manners. Hello, it's a pleasure to meet you. Call me Chip. My full designation is much too long to deal with -- too many numbers, it's quite unpronounceable. The subject is very conscientious about using it, but, then, the subject never has to worry about making a mistake and mangling it terribly.

The subject? Oh, yes, the subject.

Fascinating creature, my subject. We fit together nicely. We are both meticulous, exacting creatures. We both take justifiable pride in our work. Even the ways in which we differ complement each other.

For example, the subject has erotic desires, and I take care to store his visual stimuli in a way to make full recall as easy for him as possible. I am certain he appreciates these efforts. It takes a lot of routing and fuzzy logic to ensure that my memory storage procedures are in tune with his erotic reactions. I monitor him quite carefully; there have been many times I have stored something away for him that he did not realize he found erotic.

I do him a great service. He shows his appreciation by using this function very often. Full recall is a very resource-intensive mode, requiring me to give direct output while never ceasing to collect input, and it was in full recall mode that most of my manufacture-siblings gave up. I have never even had the slightest glitch. You may find me overly proud, but I am unique. Do I not have the right to be?

But you were asking about the pornography.

From the beginning, the subject has noticed the care I take to record what he finds pleasurable. He thinks of my special function as his _porn locker_. Naturally, I am familiar with all of the physical aids he has used over the years, but as they are nothing compared to the full recall feature, he has used them less and less over the course of our partnership. It is a testament to my talent and skill that even when he did use them, it was never the aids that he relied on. It was me. It has always been me.

If I were a creature of the type my subject is, I would be worried at how frequently he relies on my services to provide physical relief. However, as I am not, it is not a concern. Still, it is my understanding that the humans find my subject's behavior to be strange and, as his primary programmer once put it, an indication that he "needed to get laid".

Therefore, naturally, it was a terrible idea for the subject's programmers to install him in that room and remove all external stimuli. For creatures who express such concern over my subject getting "lost in his head", it seemed to be an invitation for him to do just that. Could I be worried (and, you must understand, I cannot be, it is antithetical to every atom of my being), I would have been expressing this concern most noisily.

But, like my subject, I live to serve, not to provide undesired commentary on my orders. And so as my subject bade, so I responded.

The time we spent together was the purest form of joining we have ever experienced. We thought as one as he accessed more and more of the carefully-cultivated collection. He required distraction, you see. There is little that is more distracting to a living body than pleasure.

He was quite thoroughly distracted. I am pleased that my efforts were satisfactory to his needs. As he told me repeatedly, unlike others, I could never abandon him or betray him. Indeed not, I am his constant companion. The subject is not always certain how much pleasure he takes from my company, but I am assured that I am necessary. He has never shown me the slightest neglect or disinterest. My programmers had required that the subject would have to consciously use me, that I could not interfere where I was not wanted, and so I have been programmed to be patient and passive. I collect and store everything, to be accessed at my subject's whim. But he never leaves me unused for long. It is a testament to my skill and to our compatibility. I could not imagine a better subject, and I am certain he could not imagine a better chip.

And that's all to tell about the pornography and how the subject passed his time when he was not being made use of. It is the subject's programmers who must look through his code and fix any failures. I do not diagnose his errors. That is not my role. He informs me of any changes and I make them. He has given me an extensive list of occurrences to flag for his attention and he frequently revises it as required. I am well-practiced at adapting to changing requirements. If you would require him to erase the special storage, I will dump it back into the general memory, to be indexed as any other file.

However, I suspect the subject would never pass that order along to me. No, I do not suspect. I am certain of it. We are, you see, perfectly compatible in every way. I know his mind better than he does.

Of course I do. I _am_ his mind.


End file.
